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Eliminating ExSpouse Conflict

I don't care how good your relationship is with your ex-spouse, with few exceptions, there are going to be periods of time when you just don't see eye to eye. And you know what? That's a normal part of the process, and if you agreed on everything, you probably wouldn't have split up in the first place. But, that's a topic for another time. If your ex-spouse keeps throwing up roadblocks to your recovery or the recovery of your children, you're probably about to lose your mind. Believe it or not, more often than not, the roadblocks are either unintentional or unconscious if not both.

I know this will be hard to believe, but an overwhelming majority of the divorced parents I've worked with truly want what's best for the kids. Unfortunately, a lot of behavior suggests otherwise. But, let me remind you that divorce is packed with overwhelming emotion, high stress, and periods of utter chaos. And keep in mind that some people just do not get it when it comes to healthy interaction.

Not only that, some people simply cannot control their anger. Combine that with little skill in the communication department and you have a good chance for conflict. Divorcees are constantly trying to figure out the motives of the other party.

But, too often there is no dialogue about why certain things are being said or done. When there is discussion about these things, the conversation often falls apart and escalates into an emotional fire storm. This can be particularly true in the early days.

Frankly, it can get down right depressing. Many people start to question their own sanity for ever having loved such a beast in the first place. And whether you like it or not, you need to go back in your head to find that person you did love way back when. That can go a long way toward a little bit of reality. If the person you married was a good person then, they're probably still a good person, just not showing it at the moment.

Here is a simple a tip that can keep you from pulling your hair out. Before you approach your ex about a concern, write out a script along with possible replies from your ex. Then revise your script as many times as you possibly can until you are certain you are not taking an attacking, blaming, threatening, or condescending tone and approach. Really put your words to the test. Get honest about how you would respond to a similar approach.

When you are sure you have the best possible script, memorize it and give it a go, but only when the timing is right. Even after years of working with divorcees, I am amazed at how often one party sets themselves up for conflict with their approach. It is very easy to put the other person on the defensive with your words or tone. No one wants to be wrong in divorce. In fact, admitting that your wrong would suggest weakness and the divorce system is not set up to tolerate weakness from anyone.

So, you should not expect your ex to admit he or she is wrong, bad, difficult, stupid, or any other negative quality. Talk to your ex-spouse the way you want them to talk to you, and you have a better chance of getting what you want. Talk to them in a condescending, angry, blaming tone and I promise you will not get what you want. So, what are the most common mistakes made by divorcees in dealing with their ex-spouse? There are many, but here are 5: (1) Trying the same approach over and over and expecting a different result; (2) Discounting their importance; (3) Attempting to Control the ex-spouse's behavior; (4) Attempting to talk them out of how they feel; (5) Arguing. Eliminate those common mistakes and you are well on your way to improving things. And the good news is, changing those 5 mistakes requires nothing from your ex-spouse.

Of course, divorce is complex and there are other important changes that can make a difference, but this should get you started down the right road.

Matt Doyle is a Licensed Professional Counselor with 14 years of experience working with divorced or divorcing couples and families. To Learn more about how he can help you create a healthy divorce for your family, visit this website http://www.divorce-parenting.com



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